CPT 11Jan15-29

Starting Blocks blog: Elisabeth Carlile

Hush Now My Darling Week 4:

I appear to have hit that middle stage. The part where I have made countless decisions about what I want Hush Now My Darling to be; what I want it to look like, feel like, talk about…

and now, I am left wondering how many of those decisions are for the keeping. Lets take that well loved metaphor; throw a load of shit at the wall and see what sticks. Right now, I feel as though I am sat in a rehearsal room surrounded by fragments of a (hopefully) soon to be performance whilst staring up at this huge big shit-covered-wall. And of course, as I am staring I can see a selection of things happening; some shits are peeling gracefully off the wall, others are toying with me – half on half off, the majority fell within as little as a minute and somewhere, hiding out are the tiny ones hanging on for dear life. I am playing a waiting game…and the shits are winning. But enough of my metaphors. Here are this weeks main decisions…

MILK

Milk has been bothering me a lot recently.

Throughout the process so far, I have been working with raw meat. Manipulating its shape, smell, look etc. For me, this is a way of exploring my own relationship to a different species whilst taking into consideration a wider, well recognised relationship between human and animal; the food processing system. Currently though I am struggling to decide whether milk should feature in the performance along side the meat – or if in fact, they are two completely different things. I suppose in my mind this is because milk, though it comes from the animal, is not the animal. When thinking about milk rather than meat it explicitly comments on how an animal is treated and looses the focus on the relationship between me and that individual, specific animal. The farmers, machinery and consumerists unavoidably are placed in the way of that relationship. This week has left me thinking a lot (almost an unhealthy amount) about milk. At the moment, I feel as though it does have a valid involvement in the process of making the performance, but I am just not quite sure why yet…

AUDIO

Ok, I’ll admit it…I love the sound of my own voice. And what I mean by that, is not, oh I’ll happily sit and chat to you for hours on end. Quite the opposite. When it comes to talking in front of a group of people I will either stumble, sweat, stutter, swear or sound unintentionally sarcastic. None of which come across that well. I have been wondering whether this has seeped its way into my creative process. I have found myself writing text and recording it in my own voice, and happily listening to it back. I seem to be finding it interesting about the removal of my voice. There is clearly something I am trying to say, yet it does not seem to be coming from me. Perhaps this is because, subconsciously, I am worried about the end product being too explicitly linked to myself. Perhaps I am worried that nobody else will relate to it, or will think of me as entirely self-indulgent. Perhaps I am just scared about standing up in front of people for a duration of time and talking. I guess it is time to decide which one of these may be the case…

EVERYTHING ELSE

Though these may be the two things that have been floating around in my head for the most part of the week, there has of course been an expansive amount of thoughts that have come and gone. Most are related to the performance (i think), so here are a few…

How long do I want this performance to be?
Shall I buy a £30 transportable oven?

How transportable will it actually be on the rush hour tube?

Should I wear my doc martens when I perform?
I should probably show somebody something of what has been happening in this rehearsal room…who? Am i really ready for that? Will I ever be ready?
Shall I drink a glass of milk?

Should I become a vegan? Would I miss milk in my cups of tea too much?

Should I be filming myself (for the performance) somewhere other than the bath tub in my girlfriends parents house?

What would my mother think of this?

Lissie will be presenting her work as part of the Starting Blocks Showcase on Sat 19 March. FIND OUT MORE